Are you Healing or Coping?

People love the word healing. It sounds gentle, wise and oh so noble! It makes you look like you have your life together even if you cried into your tea this morning. Healing has become the adult version of putting a gold star on your own forehead.

But let’s slow this down a little bit. Most people who claim they are healing are actually coping. Coping is the sneaky polite cousin of denial.  It lets you remain functional. It lets you say you are fine while you are definitely not. Healing is a completely different creature. Healing kicks the door open, drops your emotional baggage on the floor and asks why you have been dragging this around for twenty years.

What coping really looks like

Coping keeps you busy so that you do not have to think. It gives you just enough comfort to stay functional and it comes in a variety of different forms. Some are obvious while others are dressed up as self care.

There is stress cleaning, where you scrub your house at the speed of a small tornado rather than admit you are upset.

There is mindless scrolling, where you suddenly come to your senses two hours later with no idea what your eyeballs just absorbed.

There is the famous emotional snack attack that appears out of nowhere. One minute you are fine, the next minute you are eating biscuits like they hold the secrets of the universe.

There is pretending to be busy so no one asks how you are.

There is signing up for a new wellness routine every second week because the last one somehow did not solve your childhood trauma.

There is drinking herbal tea while telling yourself you are calm, meanwhile your nervous system is clinging to the ceiling.

Coping does not make you a bad person. It makes you human. But it will never take you where you want to go.

Healing is raw and honest, no politeness here.  It does not wait until you feel ready. It taps you on the shoulder when you least expect it and it tells you, we need to talk.

Sometimes it will make you feel like you are falling apart even though you are actually coming together. Healing has never really been polite or comfortable.

Healing is the moment you stop avoiding the real issue and sit down with the discomfort. You tell the truth. You ask the hard questions. Sometimes you answer them and sometimes you cry instead. But it is very important to realize that both count.

Healing is when you notice your patterns and you finally decide to do something different. It is when the emotional freight train arrives and instead of leaping out of the way, you take a breath and let the moment pass through your body. You will not always do this perfectly. That is part of the process, which is often slow and uncomfortable.

Healing often feels like a bad day. You know those days. The days when you wake up irritated for no logical reason. The days when your patience is missing, your hair is rebelling, and your soul feels like it has been dragged behind a bus. You think and feel like you are falling apart. Meanwhile, your inner world is just busy rearranging itself.

A bad day is often the moment your emotions finally rise to the surface. It is the release you needed and the truth you resisted. It is the peeling away of coping like peeling away an onion. You can be guaranteed of some tears. It does not feel good and yet it means you are moving.

So why do most people fear and avoid healing?

Because healing asks for honesty. True honesty. The type that does not care about your image. The kind of honesty where you admit what hurts. Most people would rather fold a mountain of laundry than sit with their own emotions for five minutes.

Healing asks you to stop performing strength for other people. It asks you to stop distracting yourself with endless activity. It asks you to sit still, which is terrifying for anyone who has avoided their own thoughts for years. It is not a performance. It is a commitment. It takes time and honesty and consistency. There are no shortcuts

Coping says you will deal with it later. Healing says you will deal with it now. And no one volunteers for that without a little resistance.

How you know you are actually healing?

• It is when you feel uncomfortable yet calm at the same time. It is when you tell the truth even though your voice shakes.

• It is when you respond differently to something that used to trigger you.

• It is when you have a breakdown and realize afterward that it cleared something inside you. It is when you stop blaming everyone around you and start noticing your own patterns and take responsibility for them.

• It is when you stop running.

Healing is not a magical moment. Not perfection. Not endless calm. Not pretending everything is fine.  It is just a series of choices to become better..

Most people are coping in an outfit that looks like healing. Real healing is not glamorous. It does not always look wise. It often looks like a bad day or a crying session or a moment where you finally tell the truth.

If you are having a difficult day, you are not failing. You are probably getting closer to the part of yourself you abandoned. You are peeling away the noise. You are shifting something real.

The world might tell you to stay positive, but I say listen to the discomfort. It usually has more wisdom than your cheerfulness.

Here is a question for you and please think very carefully before you answer.

Are you coping or are you healing?

No, not the version you tell the world, the version you tell yourself before bed. The real one

Are you coping or are you healing? 

May you have a good healing day

Nicci 🌸